freak out!!!!

Watching Attack of the Show, I reflect on the day and how things usually don’t turn out the way you expect it….

I tried to make today a relaxing and orgasmic day by staying home during the day, but it was quite the opposite. I tried to sleep in, but around ten, which is early for me since I’ve been non-stop for the past 2 months, I started getting emails from work. They were pay stubs. Money? Yeah, sounds glorious, but it was MUCH less than what I thought I was getting since I calculated my hours * pay -(.07*(hours*pay)) the day before. At first, I was kind of disappointed because I worked my ass off and I barely got the money for it. Then I realized it’s only money, nothing more, nothing less, just currency.

Is that it? I wish I could say this was the end, but unfortunately life’s a (female dog).

So then I go to prepare for my class, hoping I could just hang out with my friends, but as soon as I get in, I’m told there was homework. I start freaking, when I saw what it was, I started freaking even more. I “got it done”, but my nerves were still shot. So class started. First thing he does-give back the last test. How’d I do? Well, it was my highest grade, but my test average is still probably in the mid 40′s. I’m not proud of it, i’m just saying. What class is this for? Operating Systems. Now, I know I’m a pretty good programmer and I’ve been working with computers all my life, but it seems like school is making me feel like a complete moron. He eventually let out out about 45 minutes earlier, but for what? Tonight was the night I realized the pure and honest truth-I have no chance in passing my Computer Science courses. I mean I have one more test left,the two finals, and a few projects left, but there’s is no chance I can pass the finals and still keep the little sanity I still have.

It seems like it’s a pattern-I have a completely crappy semester and then I can this AMAZING semester, when I actually feel like I can accomplish something, but then the next semester puts me in a state of mind where I feel like I’m a complete failure and I should just put myself out of my misery. I’m not suicidal, I would actually never kill myself because I’m SCARED to die. I believe everyone is, even if they don’t want to admit it, but it’s just a realization of how pathetic of a human being I am.

Then there’s also the fact that I’m still in major debt with my dad for the past three years and I can’t even get my summer job back at school, where I would make a BIG bulk of my pay check

I don’t know what else to say. This feels like a bad trip without the acid. Anyways, I’ll stop my ranting before I start saying stupid crap, not like anyone cares anyways.

I hope the rest of you have an amazing night. Laters!